So in love...

It’s 2008. It’s a new year; will it be a new life? Maybe not. Looking around the same sight I have seen day in, day out, year after year. The monotony of life is starting to get to me. There are only so many days that I can wake up happy that at least I’m alive. It may be true that I have everything going for me. It is true that I’m living in a condo, a nice swimming pool at the base of my block – Olympic size. It is true that a have a nice bag, nice hand phone, nice school, nice… well you get the drift. However, it seems that I have lost something more important than everything here. Misplaced item? One soul. Recently, everything just seems like a copy of a copy of a copy. Nothing fascinates me anymore. School is all right, but I’m starting to lose my direction in life. My compass is losing it’s magnetism and going woozy on me. All the new year resolutions, they’re legitimate, but they don’t really affect me, soul wise. Do they? I need something to nourish my spirit, to strengthen my soul. And I think I have found it…

I don’t want to lose my soul. I don’t want to lose the way that I feel for somebody now. I found my soul’s resurrection. It’s nice to be in love again I must say. And I don’t want to ever lose that feeling. The feeling where it doesn’t matter whether you grow a few white hairs racking your brain for an appropriate Birthday present for her, or you sleep way beyond your usual time just to put in a few more hours of conversation that feel like a few seconds. It doesn’t matter whether you think about her welfare every waking hour you have. It doesn’t matter whether she loves you back or not. You just want to make her happy. No need for acknowledgements, no need for reciprocations, no need for appreciation, you’ll do it no matter what. It is appreciation enough just to see that lovely smile on her face. Best of all, she’s worth this effort. Her child-like innocence, simple wishes, simple desires, a heart of gold, so many things that make her the perfect someone and yet they are just icing on the cake of her essence. She might not be drop-dead gorgeous, but she has a heart that makes you want to give your life savings to charity just to be able to feel worthy of her presence. With someone so great, you’re just a common weed, next to the most beautiful flower in the world.

I was never proud of my past. I did enjoy myself back then, but when you walk amongst giants of virtue and principle, your past mistakes and deviances from the right path show up like neon lights in a pitch-black alleyway. She makes me look back at my past. Well, maybe not just her, I often look back. I have so many regrets that listing it out on my fingers and toes will probably take me a day. God help me if I ever become a grown up. With so many regrets as a kid, I probably have to archive them - Nick’s regrets 2001 – 2007 She tells me not to dwell on the past. I tell that to people too. Too bad I never listen to my own advice. She’s right, but I feel that one has to learn from one’s past mistakes to lead a life that you err less. But recently, thinking about my past led me to many little voices in my head telling me, “You’re not worth it,”, “Don’t ruin her life,”, “Be fair,” and other stuff like that. And I started thinking that I’m not being fair to her, that I’m not worth to be in her presence and things like that. Then I thought again, “if she’s really that great, and she enjoys your company, does it really matter what your past holds? After all, you’ve found someone that’s worth it, would you even dream about harming one hair on her head? If you do, I swear to god I’ll kick you in the balls,” I won’t know how to kick myself in the balls but I’ll put myself through the worse torture ever if I ever hurt this girl; this angel sent from the heavens.

You know what the weirdest thing is? We’re the most incompatible pair on earth. Nobody would ever dream that we could get along. Me, Nick, I am the crazy mood swinging Casanova from back streets of Dogtown. Her, sorry can’t disclose her name, she’s the demure, fragile princess from Upper Boston. The prince and the pauper, royalty with rags, who would ever have thought it, were possible? The first day I talked to her, I thought it was only be for a brief moment just to provide a little comfort to her obviously upset heart. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days and days became weeks. Now I can hardly stop thinking about her and I amaze myself every time I make her smile, which I must say I’m quite proficient at doing. I never fail to question why is it that I’m able to understand her so well. It’s as though fate has brought us together and entwined our destinies. I could even say that currently, we’re close to inseparable.

God sure works in wondrous ways. As I amaze myself time and time again with almost spot on answers to her questions, she questioned me. “How do you do it?” For a long time I was speechless. I didn’t know how to answer that question. I found myself talking about God. A non-believer talking about God, can you believe that? It may sound egotistical but I said, “Do you believe in God? Do you believe that God sent an angel in your time of need and appointed him to be your guardian angel?” The irony of it all was that my previous msn messenger identity was the Archangel Tyrael, the life I was about to throw away until I “met” this wonderful girl. Perhaps they’re short of hands up there and requested my assistance. I guess you must assume that my ego is the size of an elephant. Close, it’s the size of a baby blue whale.