2 Weeks

Wow it's been long since I updated huh? I figured that since I have some time now, I should at least try to write a bit lest I lose my writing ability permanently. Hurr hurr.

It's been a tiring 2 weeks. Project work, emotional rollercoasters from people you care deeply about, death of a revered figure, and not forgetting the hustle and bustle of normal life. These 2 weeks are not your normal, mundane, ordinary 2 weeks, but somehow life is just seemed to be made up of the events of these 2 weeks. We gloss over the banal repetitions of our daily routines, and remember key events. We remember spikes in emotions, both positive and negative, sometimes negative more than positives. I won't remember what I had for supper yesterday, but I can remember dancing with Glor 2 weeks ago. Talking about remembrance and a rather unfortunate departure from the ordinary was the death of our dear leader Lee Kuan Yew. I have never met the met, nor spoken to him in person, but I have inherited the same respect for the man from my parents, who escaped poverty in Malaysia due to his policies on foreign talent. And it was this respect for him and happenstance that made me pick up a comic book called, if I'm not wrong, my memory is rather fuzzy, "The Malayan Tiger" that told the life of Lee Kuan Yew from his prestigious beginnings at Raffles Institution to the great man we have been blessed with. I cannot recite his achievements nor tell anybody the rationale for my respect for him, but all I can say is that, when I listen to his speeches, and read his quotes, he gives me the feeling deep in my gut that he is not only an intelligent and powerful man, but he has a will that will not falter, and a heart wide enough to think of all of us as people, and want to, genuinely, help us, and not due to some political agenda. He is a man that gave his life to the success of Singapore, not as a pencil pusher, bureaucrat or policy maker, although he was a bit of all, but someone who showed no weakness in the face of adversity, someone to rally around, and someone to motivate us to move forward, and point us in the right direction. I have never met you Mr. Lee, but I will remember your legacy for as long as I live.

Although I appreciate Mr. Lee's efforts in bringing us this far, the modern world is not without costs. School is getting tougher and tougher, the people around me, due to Singapore's ever improving education system, are getting better and better at memorizing material, applying said material in tests and exams and delivering aforementioned material in the format professors ask for in a neat, crisp and rather aesthetically pleasing presentation, report or model. Furthermore, not only are these people getting really good at doing that, due to our open immigration policy, we get even more people who are not only great at the skills I have mentioned above, but hungry for success and wishing to escape poverty in whatever land they have come from. They have the same hunger our ancestors had when they first stepped onto Singaporean soil escaping the hardships of rural China. And on the other end of the spectrum, we have the students who carry themselves well, speak with finesse and polish, yet have characters that will make Machiavelli blush. These people, poised to climb the corporate ladder on showmanship and form breeze through the system like a colonial power exploiting their colonies. I knew University was going to be tough, but I was hoping that it would be intellectually challenging, where the actual pursuit of knowledge is rewarded. Substance has to take precedence over form, while what I see is the complete opposite of what is supposed to be the true nature of education. But who am I to complain? The paper chase will not stop just because I cry foul. As much as I would hate to grow into the moulds my predecessors have left me, you know what they say about being in Rome. Although we might see sparkles of true genius here and there, where delightfully original works are submitted and glorified with A pluses, the less capable, me inclusive, have to content with taking these works of genius and trying to emulate them the best we can without infringing on the plagiarism clause. Tweaking data, adjusting models, rephrasing and paraphrasing, that seems to be our roles when it comes to group projects just to ensure that our submissions get us the grade we need but not deserve. It is so easy to just copy, and here I am praying for the strength to remain aboard the ship which is my sinking GPA.

Apart from my tumultuous school life, there is that of my social life, which I am truly considering whether I should share on such a public platform. As an introvert, and one who loves solitude and routines, socializing was never my cup of tea. But in recent weeks, my phone has been abuzz with a whatsapp message here, a facebook message there. And all these hyper stimuli from very pleasant members of the opposite sex are all very flattering, but when I search deep down, I only wish to have a relationship with a lady I adore. I may have found her, but she's fickle, indecisive and absolute pain in the ass but she's a delight when she's around, when I spend time with her. Sometimes I wish I've never met her, sometimes I think she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. She drives me crazy in a humongous maelstrom of love, anger, insecurity, adulation and obsession. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm in too deep for my own good, and sometimes I think that we're a match made in heaven. All this excitement for someone who prefers to be at home with a nice cup of tea tinkering with his computer. All I want is for someone to love me as much as I love them, for our pedestals that we place each other on to match in height. All I want is someone to settle down, have a family and work towards an uncertain future, but with the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, she will be there for you, braving the storms and basking in the sunshine with you. I speak of love like a hopeless romantic, and have been chided by many to keep my heads out of the clouds and focus on work, a realistic spouse and myself. But I can't. I'm a hopeless romantic in search of my happily ever after. And when that possibility seems so tangible I could just reach out and grab it, I love with a passion second to none. I love deeply, completely and with no regard for my own feelings. I give myself completely to that person and pray to any deity that she will catch me before I break myself on the hard surface of rejection. It is definitely foolhardy and the worst thing anyone can do, but when I have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don't waste it being cautious.

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day.
Live and die on this day."

May the rest of my little 2 weeks that make up my life never be ordinary.