I fell. I received the greatest humiliation of my life on this very day. It’s amazing how after years and years of feedback about my character flaws, today has to be the day of realization. I haven’t blogged in 2 years, and the first post after my long hiatus, is the denunciation of all that defines me. All my life I have been confident in my intelligence. I lived with the belief that I needn’t work for my rightful place amongst the intellectual elite. I believed with every fiber of my being that I was inherently intelligent. How wrong I was. In my hubris, I opened Pandora’s Box and a mirror showed me how foolish I was. I opened the door to true greatness and I was left humbled in its wake. One simple question showed gaping holes in both my intellect which I had such confidence in and my personality. The triumphs I once thought were my greatest accomplishments, shattered, and in truth, celebrations of an utter fool.

I knew my personality was flawed. I thought it minor, however today I was shown how fundamentally wrong my character was. With a mirror to myself I saw something so twisted and toxic that I could not believe myself. I am a fool to think myself great. I thought myself above the general populace, too smart to socialize with the lesser peasants. Today I realized that I am a bigot. Not an elitist but a pompous ignoramus. I am the epitome of what I hate. I pride myself in my linguistic ability, the ability to write great prose with minimal effort. Oh, how far am I from the truth. In my complacence and arrogance, the world has left me far behind. I am the frog in the well, the loud mouthed fool that thinks himself wise, the empty vessel that makes the most noise. I boast accomplishments when they are but the norm. Today I saw true greatness, and I am floored.

To all those that I have treated with contempt, thinking myself too great to interact with you, I am sorry. To all those that I have taken for granted, to have thought you expendable in my life, I am sorry. Forgive this selfish, self-centered fool that thought he has given much, when all he did was take. I hurt those people who cared about me the most. They gave me love, and I showed them hate. You gave me so much and yet I paid you back with hurt. I am neither sensitive nor considerate; I am a blind, bitter and caustic douche bag that has a soul as black as the coals in hell’s furnace. I know nothing about love, about care or about mutual respect. I deserve my solitude and the emptiness I feel in my soul. So many have loved me and I threw in back in their face and slapped them for good measure. Like Don Juan with the devil, just a fraction of the man he was and none of the greatness, I say to life, “Give me the hat”.

I know neither where to go nor how to proceed from here. My character is so inherently flawed that nothing short of a reincarnation cycle can shift my karmic balance to the neutral. There’s a gaping hole in my soul that can be filled by nothing less than catharsis on a gargantuan scale. I feel ashamed of my motives and my calculated actions. I know not how to climb out of this deep dark pit I dug for myself. I cannot go up, but yet, I can fall even further than I already have. I am stuck in a deep dark hole, with no way out, and a bottomless freefall awaiting me.

I ask forgiveness for my actions, from beginning till end. I apologize for not seeing how wrong I was. That you people were only trying to help me. I understand why you all could not stand me. I understand why I am left friendless and alone with no one able to put in a good word for me, for there is none to be said. I feel so naked, so bare. Everything that I have taken pride in is now a joke. I neither have the intellectual ability to be hubristic, nor the wealth or good looks to be hedonistic. The premise of this blog, the arrogance that spawned it, is moot. I am an ugly, ugly man, belonging to the back alleys of society.

All I can do now is attempt to climb, slowly, out of the hole I dug. My dreams of self-improvement have to be made into reality. I know not how I can do that, nor whether I have the ability to. My will is weak. When you have fallen so far behind, even existence is hard. I really do not know what to do. I am an utter fool. I am stupid. So, so very stupid.