Bittersweet...

This is an old old post from a blog which is covered in dust... Since i've not updated for a while, let's put it here.

This is no dream. Neither is it a nightmare. But it happened. Through some sick, ironical act of god, it happened. My past was unceremoniously uprooted and played back in my mind. It was mildly pleasant, in a very warped way. I dreamt about my lost love. What did I do to deserve this? I have moved on with my life and you hit me with this? What kind of sadistic maniac are you? I won’t say I regretted it, in some bittersweet way. But neither would I say I wished it happened.

There was this girl, me, and I was chased by this man in a suit. I escaped from him time and time again, but he still persists, never giving up. I feared being caught and built myself a fortress. This fortress was like a cross between Toys R Us and a scene from SAW. Corpses were strewn all over the floor. Blood was splattered upon the pink wallpaper. The floor was strewn with a jumble of candies, lollipops, beautiful photo frames, syringes, flowers, black boxes and corpses. It filled the room till the door was half covered. I found myself on a contraption that looked like it came from kid sport. The room was half finished and yet the man burst in and demanded audience. And then I cried. I looked like Frankenstein’s bride. Scars covered my face like a white blanket. My eyes were large, round and full of sorrow. Blue. Hair was long and black like those ghosts back for revenge. I wore a white dress which swept the floor. My whole body was covered in scars; from my head to my heel; bruises and wounds from a long time ago. As I cried, black tears like those gaudy women who put too much mascara ran down my face. My tears, were black. They were as black as the velvet blanket covering the sky. They ran down my face leaving little streams of black ink which stained my face the blackest black you have ever seen. Little did I realize that the girl wasn’t me.

I was transported back in time. I am the man with the suit. I was in a scientific facility that looked like it came from some science fiction movie, with those cool wall panels and sliding doors that only serve to remind me of the synthetic nature of myself. We were involved in manufacture. We manufactured dolls. We manufactured dolls which I designed. They were my heart and soul. They were delightful. They looked exactly like the girl from before. I loved them. They had a sad smile on their face which made them look so mysterious. It’s like the dolls have been to heaven, hell and back to live through a second life on earth, knowing how their lives will end. Then suddenly, the manufacturing machine malfunctioned. One of my darling dolls slipped into the machinery and was being ripped apart by the gears. My heart dropped to my stomach. I prayed that it will be all right. I prayed that my darling would be saved from the horrors within. I tried to track its destruction from a monitor in my office which showed my doll with a bright red dot. I clasped and unclasped my hands. Needles of the pistons punctured its flawless skin repeatedly. I uttered a prayer as my doll finally came out and was sent to the reconstruction facility. Screams resounded from within and I panicked. I threw the door open and saw a scientist standing, looking shocked at the doll in the chair. Through some unknown reason, the doll had grown life size and was flawless. No puncture marks could be seen on her skin, no cuts or imperfections. All that was found was soft skin, as smooth as a baby’s. Her hair was a lustrous dark brown. She was wearing a white T-shirt and blue shorts. A little like those athletes you see from the girl schools. She had a gorgeous figure and when she looked at me, I cried. I drew rattling breaths and sobbed my heart out. She smiled at me with that angelic face and said, “I forgive you”. I fell to my knees and cried. That girl was my namesake, the love of my life. If only I could forgive myself.

Flashback, the doll in the Toys R Us cum room of torture. That lovely girl had turned into the abomination I saw right in front of me. I was desperate to change her back to that lovely girl. Rework the magic that made her the lovely girl I knew. My doing had caused her to become like this. It’s as though I was the machine, ripping her apart. Time is a coin you can only spend once. Time waits for no man. Time is our enemy. Although in my heart I knew I could never have her back, I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that she could come back to me just for a moment. I did whatever I could, but the damage was done. She was gone. All that remains is the remains of my destruction. A beautiful doll destroyed by me. Then I woke up, and cried my eyes out. My life forever tainted by this haunting dream. It was neither a dream or a nightmare, it was a reminder of what I was and what I will always be. A destroyer of lives unworthy and incapable of love. May she forgive me and my ugly ugly soul. And now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep, if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take. Please kill me.