Frustration

Sitting on the sit up benches near the squash courts, looking back at the previous lesson, perspective struck me. Perhaps I should have noticed this ages ago, perhaps I should have learnt it when I was a kid, but you do know people like me never do learn, they never do really grow up. It’s something like a modern world Peter Pan, just without the happily ever after which so often seems to elude us, until we do realize that it is impossible in the society we live in. As a particular someone was busy ogling at the judo coach and it just so happened to catch my eye, I realized the world has moved on. Years have gone by, I guess I’m still living in the year 2000, and I still, believe that I’ll always be a child, that I’ll never have to grow up. People mature as they grow older, I just become more obtuse. They say old people retard as they grow older, I’m not even old yet.

I keep harping on history, that I should change and all that bullshit that I never seem to take seriously, and I still don’t by the way. Truth is, I say it only because it sounds good. That penance only works when somebody is watching; that I lament only when there are ears around. I’m king of drama, and I like making a big deal out of my own stuff, while not usually caring about the troubles of others. I think the world owes me a living, and I’ve taken advantage of every single person that has come my way. And today what happened during some particular lesson, good old teacher reality gave me a big smack on the head.

Truth of the matter is, I’m a hunter, I like the chase, and once I’ve caught it, it loses its appeal. Problem with that is, I’ve burnt so many bridges, made so many enemies that, I’ve hardly any friends, or rather, I just don’t see them. And with that came so many consequences. I thought the supply was limitless, I thought they’ll just keep on coming, but what I realized was that the damage once done, cannot be made undone; that trust once lost, cannot be gained easily. What I’m saying is like duh…obviously, but I forget. I’ve got to stop thinking I’m the centre of the universe that nobody can compare to me. I’ve got to stop thinking that I can take advantage of trust. I’ve got to stop thinking that peoples’ feelings are toys. I have a certain tendency to make enemies out of friends. I should stop that too.

Nice speech made there, but I guess most of you have realized that it’s all talk no action. Come to think of it, I think I’ll make an excellent politician. My actions have brought me here, and I have to look up to see what a nice deep hole I’ve dug myself into. Sigh, I wish, I wish, I wish… Maybe you were right, maybe I’m just a little immature kid that just doesn’t wish to grow up. Reality’s slowly wearing down my life, showing me the bare bones of what’s really happening to me.

Argh, what am I saying, it’s not like you haven’t heard this before, it’s not like it’s the first time I’m writing this. It just goes into some viscous cycle that I write this, feel shitty and because I feel shitty go back to doing more shitty things that lead to me feeling more shitty and do more shitty things to make myself feel better. Stupid.

Learning about soliloquies, I think I might just have one of my own:

In retrospect, messages ignored will come back to haunt,

The past shall become the present,

Which becomes the future,

Man’s destiny is but an illusion of the inevitable,

But the hands of fate are our own.

Words fade in the presence of concrete actions.

And concrete once set, may succumb to wind and rain,

But till then lies there obtuse and stubborn,

Till time wears it away,

To nothingness which we may once again build,

The pillars of trust and love.

But really is there, nothingness which it seems?

The rubble strewn, wreckage lies,

Like the ghost of times once past,

A reminder of that which caused its fall.

What’s done cannot be undone,

Scars made, cannot be removed.

The wheel of time is on a downward slope,

And the laws of gravity cannot be broken.

What I’ve done I will live with,

For there is no other way.